Salaam. May peace be with you. Because it is the most rarest treasure you'll ever find and I can only pray I will obtain it anywhere and any time- same goes for other Muslims. May Allah bless you.

Hve you ever watched the movie "Buli Balik"? It is a very hillarious movie, I can't deny that, yet a very educational one too. I enjoyed it very much for I have watched it several times already. It centres around a life of a man who had a minor mental disorder and then recovered, while enjoying his life. A scene in the movie was about a group discussion -with other mentally ill patients but not that serious though. Their cases were funny and witty. But most of their problems are what you can find now in our real lives. One of them attracted my attention, as it is very much similar to mine.

Patient: Kadang-kadang saye bertanye; "saye hidup untuk diri saye ke, bapak saye..?"

Yes. That is my problem.

I have to admit I am one problematic child. One with an attitude problem. I have a very bad childhood experience. I don't mean that I was badly physically abused or so. Although I received numerous beatings and such. But I think I was, and perhaps am, emotionally abused. God knows the best.

I remember very vividly the worst year of my life. Yeah, my whole life has been very bad; before or after my little sister's birth, my life has always been ugh. But the year 2000 was my worst. The year when I had to live with all the scoldings and beatings in the morning and clean the house until not a speck of dust was seen until the moment I go for school in the afternoon session. That year, both of my elder sisters were schooling in the morning session and my mother was pregnant.And you know how temperamental women with babies can get. I knew I had somewhat clinical depression that year, for my grades slipped and me, one of the top 5 in class went down to top 15. I recall working in the wee hours of the morning, cleaning up every room, doing the household chores apart from withstanding the naggings, shedding painful tears..that was after my lil sister was born; the matter only got worse.

I don't know, or rather, I can't recall how I managed to pull myself together and preserve all the way. Because at the end of the year, I managed to gain back my position in class; i came in fifth for my finals. Victory? Yes, indeed.How grateful I was cuz my elder sisters were way smarter than me I managed to prove to them I could improve from bad to good. And to my PARENTS, of course.

The routine carried on though and yeah, it was different in 2003 onwards cuz I was in the morning session for school. As the lil sis grows, I hold the responsibilty of educating her; Arabic, reciting the Quran, BM, English, Maths, everything. And I am always blamed for her rowdiness and insolence, for I always raise my voice while teaching. She is a very stubborn and plain lazy and playful. So my family abhors the way I teach her. Yeah, I admit I am very and I am mean VERY VERY VERY harsh to her. But in the end, she did learn and remember what I teach her to heart, AND gets praised by her teachers. I am very happy for her. But I am very frustrated with my family. No one and I mean NO ONE bothers to teach her and now, here they are, condemning me. Btw, wanna know the other reasons why I always raise my voice while teaching lil sis? Mother always orders me to teach lil sis when I am very preoccupied with my schoolwork. I am supposed to sit for my O level this year. And I have like two (useless and pathetic) elder sisters and a father, they are very smart and teaching skills are wayyyyy better and yet i am tasked to teach a kid. Me, the worst teacher on earth. And now I am to be blamed for lil sis's bad behavior and all. Okay, fine. I am rebellious, I am temperamental. Don't you people get it? Doesn't my harsh attitude ring the bell? Or even knock some sense into your brains? I wonder..how they got past O level with such IQ, or rather, EQ.

So here I am, wondering if I am able to live any longer. Perhaps this is what I get for my accumulating sins. And my father questions if I ever get to go overseas with my bad attitude. Unknown to them, they are the cause of it. I know. I just know. Ok fine. So I am to be blamed for my cold behaviour to lil sis. I always cry after teaching her. But it was worth it. She learns. A LOT.


Its okay. I always pray for my mother and father. And my lil sis, jadi anak solehah.

Next yr, ana dah tak da. Lagi aman kan.

Ya Allah, berkatilah kedua ibu bapaku.JAdikanlah adikku anak yang solihah. Amin